Field guide: How to pick (and get out of) a fight in Guatemala

Are you an American, European or Australian planning on going to Guatemala? This blog post is for you. After an unsuccessful attempt to pick a fight in some bar in Seattle, I realized how different rules are in Guate, and decided to publish this simple field guide.

First thing you should know is that any skills you may have about Kung-fu, Ju-jitsu, bitch-slapping or street-fighting are useless. Actually, no physical contact is required unless you make a fatal mistake or have enough bad luck to find someone with a gun. That's why these are the three only rules after you engage in a feud with someone at a bar:

1. The look. Look mad, drunk, and as if the person is not worth to fight with. Have a slight grin on your face if possible. This will subconsciously determine if the other dude is serious or not.

2. Body language. If you need to stand up do it sideways as if you're ready to charge (but never do so). Slightly lift your arms while they still hang, which will say "I have muscles but don't want to use them".

3. The words. The only accepted phrases are:
a. ¿Qué putas? - means "what's up with you?" or "is there a problem?". Can be iterated back and forth ad nauseam until someone decides to use any of the other two phrases or passes out.
b. Juepúta - "son of a bitch", is just a fun and easy way to call your counterpart during the whole thing.
c. Hueco cerote - "fucking pussy" (use when you are tired and need to get back to your drinks). Is important that you back up and sit as you say this. Note that you are being the pussy, but if you say it first you'll make the other person look like one too.

My fellow foreign visitors I hope you find this guide helpful on your visit to Guate, and stay out of trouble!